When your words reveal more than you intend

THE ART & SCIENCE OF LEADING SELF
The Power of Language

My friend, over the past few weeks, we’ve been building the house of mindset together as I lay out my Mindset framework. Here’s where we’ve been on this journey:

• Foundation: Mindset work is a function of mindfulness (M = f(m))

• Framing: Subject–Object shift

• Flooring: Detachment

Practicing detachment relies on your ability to recognize attachments, so I am breaking down a 3-part framework to help you identify attachments. We started with:

• Thermostat: Feelings as one indicator of an attachment

Now, we turn to another indicator: language.

First, a quick reminder of what an attachment is. Attachment is a state of grasping or clinging to people, objects, ideas, or causes. It carries the idea of possession or a sense of ownership.

You may recognize it as when your mind holds on tightly to something (a thought, a belief, or a need for things to unfold a certain way) and refuses to let go. That grasping creates suffering.

Last week, we saw how feelings act as a thermostat that reveals attachment. This week, we look at language.

Why? Because your words not only reveal where you may be clinging; they also serve as thresholds. Thresholds you can cross to practice detachment.

Language Reveals Attachment 🔍

Your words offer insight into possible attachments. Consider these phrases:

• “They should know better.” → may reveal an attachment to control and expectation.

• “This has to work out according to the plan we’ve built.” → may reveal an attachment to outcomes.

• “She never listens to me.” → may reveal an attachment to being heard and validated.

• “I can’t let them think I failed.” → may reveal an attachment to reputation and perception.

• “He should respect me.” → may reveal an attachment to ego and image.

When you become intentional, language becomes a threshold into new possibilities. Each reframe represents a shift:

• “They should know better” → “I want to understand why this choice was made.”

• “This has to work out according to the plan we’ve built” → “I’m noticing my preference for a specific outcome.”

• “She never listens to me” → “I notice that I didn’t feel heard in that conversation.”

• “I can’t let them think I failed” → “I’m committed to being transparent about where things stand.”

• “He should respect me” → “I value respect, and I want to model it first.”

Think of your words as thresholds in the house of your mindset. Some keep you stuck in familiar rooms clinging, while others open space for new ways of leading:

• Automatic phrasing may leave you stuck in rooms ruled by your attachments. This is where clinging to ego, control, or perception shapes your response.

• Intentional phrasing creates thresholds you can cross into detachment, opening space for clarity, collaboration, and trust.

Case Study: The Healthcare Executive 🩺

Consider a healthcare CEO under pressure from regulators, patients, and the community. In one senior leader meeting, he said:

“We should never look like we’re struggling.”

That language reveals a clear attachment to controlling perception and protecting image. It blocks thresholds. Internally, staff felt pressure to hide challenges. Externally, partners and regulators sensed defensiveness rather than trust.

With awareness, he shifted to:

“We’re facing challenges, and this is an opportunity to work together transparently toward solutions.”

Notice the difference? The first phrasing kept him clinging to appearance. The second reframed the situation as an invitation to collaboration. This language became a threshold that opened space for detachment and empowered those inside the organization to step into new roles and offer solutions. It also allowed those external to the organization (regulators, partners, community members) to play constructive roles rather than remain at arm’s length.

His language shifted the climate. From isolation to collaboration. From protecting image to cultivating trust.

Connection to Self-Leadership 🔗

I define self-leadership as “the practice of intentionally influencing your mindset to align your emotions and behaviors in ways that empower actions that achieve your intended results.”

This CEO’s language shift was self-leadership in action. By becoming aware of his attachment to perception, he influenced his mindset through intentional language. He chose words that aligned his emotions (calm, openness) and behaviors (transparency, collaboration) with the results he wanted (progress).

It was more than a change of words. It was a shift in how he related to the situation. He stepped back — remember our exploration of abstraerse? — from fear and image-management, and saw the reality more clearly. That distance allowed him to choose language that opened thresholds to detachment and possibility.

Extending the Shift to the Team 👥

Language offers insights into your attachments as well as those you lead.

The original phrasing — “We should never look like we’re struggling” — was an indicator of attachment. The leadership behaviors that flowed from that created fear, discouraged honesty, and narrowed the team’s options.

The reframed phrasing — “This is an opportunity to work together transparently” — was a threshold into practicing detachment. This shift empowered leadership behaviors that invited openness, encouraged candor, and aligned the team around shared problem-solving.

Language is contagious. The thresholds you establish with your words determine whether your team walks into a room of fear or a room of courage. And it all starts with you recognizing and addressing your own attachments. Your language is an indicator of those.

Choice Points 💡

Every phrase is a threshold. It either reinforces clinging — to ego, image, or control — or it opens a doorway to detachment, collaboration, and trust.

Together, feelings (the thermostat) and language (the thresholds) reveal where attachments may be present. They also give you opportunities to practice detachment in real time.

So, pause and notice:

👉🏽 What thresholds are your words creating for you, your team, and those you lead alongside today?

Next week, we’ll complete this three-part framework for identifying attachments by exploring the third indicator. Tune in to learn more.

MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD 📢

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❌ 25% loss of revenue
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